This is beautiful and relatable. I wanted to have children in my teens and twenties. As I was approaching 30, I was more and more afraid of having them. I started “trying” when I was 33 because it was “time to have them”, and was on a fertility treatment for a year.
My emotional life got very complicated and I didn’t know if I wanted to have them anymore when I got pregnant with twins. I was afraid of having them, but one really has to when one gets pregnant ☺
Having a baby is tiring, you become a person who services its needs. Having children can also be dull and you often NEED some space which you don’t get for years.
If you don’t have them, that’s also fine. You’ll have more possibilities for new experiences, your life is more exciting, and you will probably have closer relationships with your friends.
Personally, I’m glad I have kids because they have given me a focus and sense of direction I never had before.
One more thing: I got pregnant when I stopped giving a shit about anything ;)
Whatever you do, it’s fine.